I've seen the I'm having a baby! movies, and I've got the routine down pat. Pregnant Mama awakens at 3am to stomach curling contractions. She flips on the light, reaches over and shakes her husband, wildly. Husband rubs his eyes, then reacts and jumps out of bed. He rummages through their drawers, throws some clothes into a bag, and flies down the stairs. They hop into the car and race to the hospital, speeding through stop signs and stop lights. Faster, faster! She screams. He guns it. They skid into the hospital, run into the Emergency room and scream I'M HAVING A BABY!
Cut to Delivery Room. Pregnant Mama is pushing. Husband and Nurse Betty hold her hands as she strains, the veins in her arm popping against her skin. 1, 2, 3, Push! 1, 2, 3, Push! 1,2, 3, Push! Aghhhhhhhhh -- a baby pops out. Doctor hoists BABY into the air. The umbilical cord dangles. Everyone's faces light up with stars. Baby cries. Doctor rests baby on mom and Baby suddenly goes quiet. Everyone leans in, joining hands and cooing. Isn't she cuuuuute! Close up on Pregnant Mama. She smiles. Just her and her baby. Music swells. Smiles and Happiness. Roll credits.
This is NOT what happened to us.
Ana woke at 3am on Thursday morning to mild contractions. She said "Baby I'm not sure what's happening but I'm having these strange pains". I said "Do you think THIS IS IT?" and she said "I don't know, I've never felt pain like this before" and I said "Do you think we should go to the hospital or sleep?" And to my complete surprise she said "Maybe sleep a little" and I said "Hell, yeah." Because, you know, I never get that lucky.
At 7:30am Ana wakes me again. "Baby, they're really bad now." "Let's go!" I say because suddenly I know: This is it! She showers and I clean the apartment because I know there won't be time later. My parents and Ana's mom are coming, and I don't want to be embarrassed. I put on some Coldplay, some feel good music, and open all the windows. The sun basks the rooms in light. Ana helps put away Sienna's clothes in between contractions. I start writing them down as they come. This is new and exciting. We're having a baby!
If I were to describe our morning in one word I would say peaceful. Ana's water hadn't broke, so we knew we had time. Plus, Ana didn't want to arrive at the hospital too early. So we took our time. I drank my coffee. She packed Sienna's bag. It was like preparing for a big party. We couldn't wait for the celebration to begin.
When we arrived at the hospital we were shown to a delivery room. Ana was dilated 4cm. We'd prepared for a natural birth part of which was that epidural was a dirty word, but suddenly it didn't seem so dirty as Ana's contractions intensified. Every four minutes she was doubling over in pain for at least thirty seconds. Some were worse than others. I never knew which one would hit her. And I was never ready to see the pain in her face. I felt helpless. "Baby, it hurts. It hurts, baby." ... I told her to breathe. "Just breathe, baby. Breathe." And she breathed. I knew how badly she wanted a natural birth.
Ana went from 4-6cm in the shower. The water helped calm her. She sat under the water for at least an hour. Phone calls started coming in. Everyone checking in. We'd arrived around 11am. It was now 3. Our friends from San Diego, Yuko and Jordi (and their 4 month year old daughter LLuna), called to say they were on their way up and would be there around 7pm. "Hurry," I said. "Hurry." I didn't want them to miss it.
Ana was now at 7 cm. The pain was getting near unbearable. She switched from side to side. She sat up. She laid down. She begged for the epidural. "Baby, please...please..." Then the contraction ended, and she changed her mind. "It's okay, baby. It's okay."
Finally, at 8.5 cm it was too much. She took the epidural -- just in time for Yuko and Jordi to arrive. The clock read 7:30pm. I caught the nurse on the way out. "How much longer you think?" I was exhausted from seeing Ana in pain. The nurse looked at the clock. "First pregnancy?" I nodded. "We'll see," She said. "Now she has to push." Even at that time it never occurred to me that Sienna might not be born that day.
Meanwhile, the calls kept coming in. My cell rang. Ana's rang. When I didn't answer mine, they rang hers. Everyone wanted to know "How is she, is she okay? Did you have the baby yet?"
But there was no news. Perhaps that's what made all those calls so annoying. Because it was yet another reminder: Sienna wasn't born yet. Worry had set in. I prayed everything was okay.
Finally, it was time to push. Ana pushed but nothing was happening. Then the pain caught up to her again. She had asked for the smallest amount of epidural and been advised to "stay on top of it and not let it catch up to her." She'd also been advised to channel the pain to help "get the baby out". Guess which one she chose?
The pain shot up, and we were forced to take a break. More epidural was administered. Sienna's head was having a hard time coming down. The doctor wanted to see if over time the contractions would help bring her head down. That's what she told us anyway, though, looking back I'm not so sure it was the real reason. I think the doctor knew what was coming.
We tried pushing for another 3 hours. It was now after Midnight -- Friday morning. I stared at the clock in disbelief. I thought for certain Sienna was going to be born on Thursday. I even joked about the date 10-9-(0)8. I felt cheated. How could this happen? Not to me, of course, but to Ana. She'd been through so much. First the contractions, now all the pushing. And we were no further along for any of it.
I heard the doctor talking to the nurses, and I knew she was discussing something she wasn't ready to share. I was right. Fifteen minutes later she came back and advised us. She wanted to do a C-section. I looked at Ana in complete shock. The idea of a C-section had never entered our minds. We had always only ever pictured a vaginal delivery. Always. C-section? Ana? We had never once considered it. Not once. Never.
Yet -- Sienna was simply NOT moving down.
We decided on 30 more minutes of pushing -- our last resort before the C-section and I was determined -- insistent -- to give Ana her vaginal delivery. I yelled as loud as I could 1, 2, 3...PUSH! I yelled with everything I had. I held her legs. I held her hair. I shouted: Push! Push! Push!
I would NOT let Ana down.
But that's life's irony. Sometimes it's not ours to decide. It just wasn't meant to be. I just wish I'd known sooner, so I could save Ana all this pain. It was almost 2am now. I was exhausted. Ana was beat. I just wanted this baby out. The fireworks were over. Now I saw. There was a reason it was called: Labor.
Even after I'd called my cousin (Ob-gyn) and confirmed our doctor's judgment for a C-section and even after we'd okay-ed it, I wasn't prepared for Ana's response.
"Baby, I hope you're not disappointed in me."
Her words broke my heart. Tore apart my soul. All this and she was worried about ME. What "I" might think.
I held her hand and squeezed it hard. "Baby, you're amazing. A-ma-zing. And I kissed her head fiercely. I fought back tears. I love this woman. I love this woman. I cannot say it enough. I cannot say it louder:
I LOVE THIS WOMAN.
But even as I love her, I cannot resist an opportunity to make her laugh. When they returned with a white astronaut suit for me to wear to the operating room, I quickly threw it on. "Dr Papa, your spaceship has landed. Please report now! No pregnant woman allowed without big contractions!"
Even after deciding on the C-section, it didn't make the stress any easier to deal with. We waited and waited and waited and waited...When would this finally be over? Is the surgery late, too? But eventually it happened and then at 3:15am after nearly 20 hours of labor Sienna was born.
I hold up my fingers and wiggle them at the Nurse. Does she have all her fingers and toes? She does. Can I see her? In a minute. She's not crying. Not yet.
We go to the recovery room . The nurse rests Sienna next to Ana. I start making calls "We have a baby!" Ana fights through the drug haze. She smiles at Sienna. "Baby, she's beautiful.. Look! She's beautiful."
Sienna Ayanna Castro Papa born Friday, October 10th, 2008. 7lbs 12 oz . Nearly 20 hours of labor. Never expected this kind of labor, nor this amount of strain, but does it matter? We have a beautiful, perfect and healthy baby.
We are lucky. We are so, so lucky.
Happy Bornday, Sienna.
-- PAPA (and Mama)
SIENNA'S PICTURE GALLERY HERE.
Finally, a very heartfelt thank you to all my readers who emailed and asked about Ana. I can't tell you how much that meant to us. We are indebted to your loyalty and kindness.
