The Big Day

Tomorrow's the big day.

No, not the BIG, BIG day.  That's still two months away.  (We think.  Sienna's boss there.) 

Tomorrow fifteen women will descend upon our home -- BUT I "can't be here".  Which would, of course, suck BIG "you know what" except it's not that kind of party.  It's...

The Baby Shower.

And that means one thing: SPOTLESS.  As in the apartment must be absolutely perfect -- 100% clean --before tomorrow.

Ana shows me the breakdown:

The best part's not that she's delegated everyone duties, or that she's assigned "dusty" as one of them, but she's even recruited K (Key), our Japanese home stay.  Works for me!

I grew up middle class, so I'm certainly no stranger to cleaning.  My mom was the ultimate perfectionist and thus an expert at making up some mean cleaning lists (vacuum the ceilings, wipe the toothpaste off the cap, clean the toilet, underneath, too!), but Ana takes the cake. 

I examine the list again.  Clean the oven?   Wipe the blinds?  Switch out the kitchen drawer liners?  ALL of them.  I haven't been to too many baby showers, in fact, I haven't been to any baby showers, but I can't imagine switching out the kitchen drawer liners tops that many lists.   

"When's your baby shower?" 
"Sunday."
"Don't forget to switch out your kitchen drawer liners."

Or cleaning the oven.  Babe, did you have to save the best for me?   Is there some kind of secret payback involved here?  I mean the oven was doing fine before, right?  Just yesterday we had a California Pizza Kitchen and it came out hot, right?  Remember how you said "Careful, let it cool."  That was the oven.  Working.

When I open it up, it laughs, mocking me.  "Haha, can't hide from me any longer, bitch!"  It's a big black hole.  It's a thousand black holes full of burnt pizzas crusts, tater tots, and melted cheese. 

No, it's the dark portal from Being John Malkovich.

I have to clean THAT?  How do I even start?  Couldn't we just wait?...Until the next tenant?

I can hear the ladies now. 

"Looove the apartment.  Love it!  But the stove -- OMG!  So dirty!  How do they live?"

Ladies, you don't really notice stuff like that, do you?  Do you?

As far as the blinds go...well, that's just as easy as ...

I pull down the string, bunching up the blinds.  There. "Done."

K laughs.  Ana bites down on some ice.  "Not funny."

Of course all this is is just me delaying it.  The hardest part is starting.  I've heard cleaning can be fun and therapeutic.  I've heard it, I've never seen it.  Or experienced it.

I know what I need.  Music!  I throw on some Tiesto. 

Then -- gun shot -- I'm off.  I grab my Mr Clean and I'm Mr Phelps -- off to set another world record.  I spray, I shine, I mop, I dust.  I fill up the bucket.  I empty it.  I move stuff, I move it back.  Half the battle's just putting stuff away.  It would be great to just push everything under the bed like I did when I was a kid but there's no room.  Even the balcony's filling up.  And we're getting MORE stuff? 

With all this hard work, you think Nikki would help?

Nope.  Not a chance.  Not without some Pupperoni's.  Besides, HER name wasn't on the list.  Lucky bitch. 

Surprisingly, the cleaning goes fast.  Three hours later, I finish.  And while I wouldn't call it therapeutic, there's a sense of accomplishment.  I feel good. 

To celebrate, I grab a cold Corona out of the fridge.  Then it hits me.  "I'm done." 

I. AM. DONE!

Question is: What am I doing tomorrow?

-- PAPA

Comments

[penny]

I think the only way I would enjoy cleaning is if I were on speed. And Benadryl.

[Evil Genius]

Cleaning actually is therapeutic. Every time I get my husband to do the vacuuming for me I feel like a new woman. See? It works!

[Mama Rose]

Hey there, I love your site, have had it on my blogroll for someime in fact, and have just given it a brillante award. stop by my blog to pick it up!

[preTzel]

Howdy Papa. Looks like I'm going to be interviewing you and seeing as how I've been a mother for about oh...almost 19 years now be ready for me to throw anything at you. I'll get back with you when and how. Do me a favor? E - mail me your e - mail addy so I can e - mail you your interview questions. Just be prepared. For Anything. Seriously. Be scared. :D

[sabrina]

sorry I saw this late, but if you have another shower... have a "diaper raffle", every person invited brings diapers and gets put in a raffle for a gift....you get to pick the gift you feel worthy of a pack of diapers.

[Karl]

That's awesome. Get your place all clean and sparkly now because I have news for you. In two months? It'll never be clean again.