I'm going to PUMP you up

Awhile back I wrote a letter and mailed it.

The letter was to myself.

It read:

    Dear B:

You rock!  You're an awesome writer and people will read you because you're
smart and you're funny, and you're definitely not ugly.  People need you in their
lives.  You make them laugh and remind them not to be so serious.  Be patient.
Who cares if you don't get a lot of readers right away, you will.  Just keep writing
and laughing and remembering what that one guy said on youtube who's a teacher
and has cancer "that brick walls are there for a reason -- they keep you out only if
you're not truly passionate about something."  But you are.  And that's why you're
writing this and it's 1:30 in the morning.  Tonight you're going to set your alarm and wake up tomorrow and kick ass and even though you have to go to work -
remember, you still have 6 sick days.  So write!  And kick that bitch ass brick
wall down! 

    Signed
    Brian M. Papa

Yes, I actually signed my name.

But let's rewind.  There's a reason I wrote the letter.  For some reason or another that day, I was stuck in a weird funk, all Debbie Downerish and shit which is totally not like me at all.  I'm Captain Positivity.  It bothered me that I wasn't ON.  And that I couldn't do anything to shake it.  I felt fake and weak, like I was being a fraud to my true self.  Like Batman trading in his bat cape for a Ed Hardy Skull V-neck.  Rather than confront myself and give in to these draconian thoughts, I kept pacing and pacing.  Suddenly, I had an idea.  Why not completely shift my mindset?  Anthony Robbins does it all the time. Why not write myself a letter, list all the reasons why I'm great, or as many as I can think of, and then mail it?  Then, one day, when I was feeling crappy or having an off day, the letter would arrive and Poof! I'd instantly be cheered up.  Kick fucking ass, right?

Naturally, with any great plan there were a few flaws that still needed to be fleshed out.  First, I couldn't mail the letter to myself, otherwise, what was the point?  I'd get the letter back the next day or the day after.  How anti-climactic is that?  Besides, I'd just written the letter!  I was flying high.  High! Chances of a sudden depression in the next 24 to 48 hours -- very, very slim.

For my plan to work, then, I need someone I trusted, an intermediary.  Someone that basically needed to fulfill two criteria: A) Receive the letter at an established residence (most of my friends are constantly changing zip codes, so it would defeat my purpose if the letter came back to me with "Return to Sender"); B) Mail the letter back to me within a randomly established date of 25-75 days -- WITHOUT READING IT.  Actually, I know if someone asked me to do a similar favor (but no one ever has, so I guess I'm the only crazy one) there's a good 70% chance I'd read it, even greater if I'd given myself some time (and drinks) to think about it, so I made it a point to stop worrying if they read it or not.  Who cares? 

Just as long as I received it back.

The hardest part was picking that special someone.  After that, it was hoping they'd remember to mail it back to me within my alloted time frame -- and without a reminder.  That would just kill it.

"Hey, ______ don't forget to put my surprise letter in the mail, okay?"

Seriously, would I remember something like this?  Probably not.  Good intentions, poor follow through.  Finally, I just decided to go with my neighbor.  My thinking was logical yet, decidely simple.  It all started with a question.  In mathematics you call it something special, but I call it a question.  Basically, who else but my neighbor saw me on an almost everyday basis?  So: If I gave her my letter just based upon the frequency of her seeing me every day or every other day, she would have a higher chance of her thoughts being triggered "Oh, I need to put Brian's surprise letter in the mail today" then somene who didn't see me on a similarly frequent basis.  Crafty, right? 

So I put a stamp on it and mailed it to my next door neighbor. 

That day I was on fire.  In fact, I felt so high and so incredibly positive that there were at least two moments where I thought "I should do this more often" but then that would mean I'd have to have more depressive days which would kind of defeat the purpose of me doing it in the first place.  Why not NOT send the letter and just be happy?  Or at least email it to myself and save the postage.

The first couple days after mailing my letter flew by.  I thought about it constantly and every time it made me giddy in a kind of Titantic "On top of the world"! kind of way.  In a way it was like the gift that kept on giving because every time I thought about it, I got really happy.  I hadn't even received it yet and already I was reaping its rewards.  My happiness was unshakable.  Was there a rank higher than Captain?  I was Colonel Brigadier General Positivity.

Two weeks later I had a bad day at work, just one of those shit days where everything goes wrong, even the bagel slicer doesn't cut and I remember thinking "Today's the day.  Today's definitely the day." Because how awesome would that be to get home and find my letter after such a crappy day.  My plan will have totally worked.   And I will be called genius for it.

That day my mailbox was packed with more than its usual fair share of junk mail: EZ lube oil change coupons, Best Buy Reward Zone pamphlets, Ralph's Hot, Hot deals and other opt out credit card offers.  But no letter.  At least there wasn't a jury summons.  At least not that.

Then I kind of forgot about it for awhile.  Until one day triggered it again.  I think Ana got an invitation to a baby shower or something like that and she was all happy and "Look, look!" and I was like "What the hell, where's my letter?"

Only I didn't realize I was talking out loud and Ana said, "What letter?"

And I said, "Nothing, nothing."

Finally, I thought "I should talk to my neighbor" because even though I trusted her (she'd watched Nikki before) and even though it was still in the designated time frame (although cutting it close)things did happen.  Maybe her daughter was using it as a bookmark or something

So I knocked on my neighbor's door.  "This is really, really dumb, I know, but...Did you put my letter in the mail yet?"  She looked at me and smiled.  "Maybe...maybe not." 

What the hell?  Was she gaming me?  She had taken my idea and now she was trying to get inside MY head.  I begged and begged, but she wouldn't budge.

Two days later I got the letter.  She HAD forgot.  (Apparently, just because it was my priority didn't necessarily make it HER priority.)

I remember that day because it was one of those days where you get home from work, and you feel that familiar chill run down your spine and all the sudden all you can think is: Got. To. Get. To. Toilet. Now.  I grabbed the letter and ran for the bathroom.

After things had settled down, I ripped open the letter and read it and even after all this time, I couldn't help but laugh.  I mean, God, I'd even signed it. 

Then I saw myself in the mirror.

There I was: pants down, ass on the shitter laughing at a letter I'd written to myself.

Life doesn't get much better than that.

-- PAPA

What's the craziest idea you've ever had to motivate yourself?

Comments

[Rachael]

That cracked me up. But I love the idea of mailing yourself a letter. Maybe I'll try it sometime.

[Carrisa]

I worry about you dear.

I've never done anything like this. And I'm pretty sure I do nothing to motivate myself ever. Although I do engage in a lot of retail therapy and that helps me a lot. Kind of like the red shoes I bought yesterday. I have a feeling those will make me happy while I'm sitting in the dentists chair today.

I fucking hate the dentist.

[Character Builder]

That's a great idea!

I'm a new reader and I'm really enjoying your posts. I'm not even sure how I got here--I think maybe someone that I usually read who went to BlogHer linked to someone who linked to you. Keep up the funny!

[Ronnie Ledesma]

Colonel Brigadier General Positivity, Sir,

You're crazy! I can see you're my kind of people. I keep a hand-written journal, so I'm used to writing to myself; but you've had your journal validated by the USPS! I think I'll try it just for the exciting story it creates, and then I'll write some great things about my wife and mail one to her too. After all, everyone loves getting a sealed, stamped letter.

@ronnieledesma

[Karl]

I pretty much stick to the standard motivators: booze and ice cream.

[Kelly]

What a great post! I took your idea a step further and just wrote a note to Brad telling him what an awesome husband/boss he is. I'm dropping it in the mail today! What a great touch, for only 0.42 you can really make someone's day with a few positive words.

[Kerri Anne]

You crack me up.

In high school, I was big into collages. Any female athlete who looked like she could kick my ass made it into the collage. And it actually really worked! I was the thinnest, most in shape (and dare I say, kick ass!) version of myself that I've ever been. Perhaps it's time to bring those collages back from the grave.

[always home and uncool]

Mine came back postage due. I do not feel better.

[Sprite's Keeper]

Very funny! I still have that documentary on Tivo since I can't psyche myself up to watch it without bawling for Mr. Pausche.
(Always home and uncool's comment gave me hiccups!)

[jenboglass (steenkybee)]

My God. I cannot stop laughing. Or reading. Then laughing again. My God.

[texasholly @ June Cleaver Nirvana]

Holy crap I wish I was your neighbor. I probably would have had to add a note to your letter which is possibly the most brilliant idea EVER. Our mail service is so horrible here I could just send it myself and roll the dice on when or if I would ever receive it. Likely it would be delivered to my neighbor and they would hand deliver it which saves me the step you took.

To motivate myself I truly believe I am Oprah. It works for me. Not sure what Oprah thinks about it. You know, the real one...not me.

[Colleen - Mommy Always Wins]

Seriously -- funny as shit. Crazy, but funny as shit. But then, I don't really have any self-motivational tricks of my own.

[Wendy]

You know that first paragraph in your letter? Yeah. That's me! Hihihihi! I think it's a great idea by the way. There's actually some website where you write an email to yourself, and it sends it to you like a year later. I can't remember what it's called, but same idea. You ARE a genius, big papa!