Careful what you pack in your pocket
It seems like I'm always stuffing my pockets. And, no, I don't mean it like that. (Neither is my last name Ryder.)
But if you've ever been to a conference then you know it's lots and lots of handouts and business cards, pens, buttons, and free schwag and if you haven't a bag or sometimes even if you DO, it doesn't matter. It's going into one place: your pocket.
Still, there's no reason why I should have grabbed 8 packets of KY from the KY sample rep at Blogher's Saturday night party at Macy's.
I mean, god, it's not like it was food. Maybe it was my competitive streak. The girl next to me grabbed two, so I took eight. Or maybe it's because I'd had a couple of drinks. Regardless, there's a fine line between free and freeloader.
But, seriously. What was I going to do with 8 packets of KY? They hardly equaled an ounce. How much money was I really saving? Who cares? It's F-R-E-E.
So I stuffed them into my jacket pocket. And the story might have ended there had I not, the very next day, shoved my boarding pass back to LA into that same exact pocket. TSA at SFO asked me if I had my ticket. I pulled it out, tried to pull it out, yanked it out and it came out...with eight packets of KY.
In eight different directions.
Your very first reaction when something like this occurs is to put your foot over it and immediately cover it up. Unfortunately, I only have two feet. That left six samples of KY lying sunny side up. Multiply that by one hundred-twenty eyeballs from the sixty or so people standing in line. Then add the 80 year old couple and the curious kid with the braces. "Mommy, what's THAT?" And you get a pretty good idea how I felt.
Funny thing is stuff like this is always happening to me. The most memorable, however, happened seven years ago at a Xmas work party. Remember what they say about Xmas work parties?
You're still at work.
In other words, Be ye not stupid. But I was young and single and really, really horny. Unplanned celibacy tends to do that to you. So I put a condom in my front pocket. Because I know how it goes. People at parties drink, drinking makes people sloppy, maybe some girl would get sloppy with me.
As luck would have it, one of the very first girls to talk to me that night was my Manager. For some reason or other, she asked if I had a pen.
And for some completely unknown reason, I was carrying a pen. So I reached to give it to her, except a crinkled bill fell on the floor. I thought it was a crinkled bill. It wasn't. It was a purple Trojan condom wrapper.
We both just stared.
And stared.
And kept staring.
At least it was only one Trojan condom.
I don't remember exactly what happened next. I think I said something like "That's weird."
Needless to say, I did not get any action that night. (Or even six months after that, if my memory's correct. Not that I'm bragging.)
Other times I've embarrassed myself by searching for loose change to help someone and pulling out a decapitated napkin. Or a napkin with another girl's number when I'm dating someone.
Maybe my big hands are too big. Or maybe my pockets are just too damn small. Maybe I should just keep my hands IN my pocket.
This is all to say, be careful what you put in your pocket. You might even develop a system. Pocket A: Pens. Pocket B: Wallet. Pocket C: Keys Pocket D: Embarrassing stuff.
Or use zippers.
The more I think about it, maybe it's best to go with no pockets at all.
After all, you never know what could come out.
-- PAPA
You think you embarrass yourself? Just wait til your little one gets old enough to "show things off". I have had any number of things pulled out of my purse and proudly displayed for everyone to see.
On another note I just want to say what a pleasure it was to meet you and hang out at BlogHer. I had a blast!
Posted by: Amanda | July 22, 2008 at 06:50 AM
You think you embarrass yourself? Just wait til your little one gets old enough to "show things off". I have had any number of things pulled out of my purse and proudly displayed for everyone to see.
On another note I just want to say what a pleasure it was to meet you and hang out at BlogHer. I had a blast!
Posted by: Amanda | July 22, 2008 at 06:51 AM
You think you embarrass yourself? Just wait til your little one gets old enough to "show things off". I have had any number of things pulled out of my purse and proudly displayed for everyone to see.
On another note I just want to say what a pleasure it was to meet you and hang out at BlogHer. I had a blast!
Posted by: Amanda | July 22, 2008 at 06:51 AM
I just want to say that I am very disappointed that you took 8 of them when you knew I only took 2. I expect you to mail 3 of those to me asap.
And once I get them, I might use them as massage oil instead because my calves are killing me.
Posted by: Carrisa | July 22, 2008 at 11:06 AM
Wait! I only got 4, and another girl I know only got 2.
Posted by: Rhi | July 23, 2008 at 02:42 PM
I once pulled my laptop out of the case at security and a pair of my underwear went flying out and landed behind the security gal. They were pink with black polkadots.
I feel your pain.
Posted by: Heather @ Desperately Seeking Sanity | July 28, 2008 at 07:58 AM